I’m Such a Baby…..

I had my annual “women’s” appointment today.  Really, it isn’t annually for me, since I haven’t been since my six-week followup after Austin was born.  Since I don’t have a uterus, I figured I probably didn’t need to go yearly.  But today was the day…and I went. 

My doctor walked into the room and commented that it had been awhile and asked how I had been in the last 19 months.  I started telling her the craziness that my life has been and, seriously to my surprise, I started crying.  I HATE crying in front of people.  Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!  But here I was crying to my gynecologist about all that last year was, and I have to admit it was quite a doozy. 

I can’t complain too much about Justin working away, be it out of state or out of town because we did choose it.  Not that we planned it this way or even wanted it this way, but when the choice came up and the alternative was not good, we did make the choice.   True, after last year with him in Texas so much, I told myself this year would be better; it would be different, but here we are again…

I do believe I can complain about my Achilles tendon.  I think I’ve earned that.  The last 18 months has seen two more surgeries to hopefully get it back to normal with no pain (no pain = good). 

I shouldn’t really complain about my job.  I mean…I am very lucky to have a job that I can do while being at home with my little penguins.  True, it’s so hard sometimes when Austin just wants to play “bball” with me or when Tyson and Emma are just dying to go to the park and I can’t because I’m working, it’s not ideal, but I am thankful for my job.  It’s not permanent, but it is good for right now. 

I certainly think I can complain that I’m so stinking tired all the time.  On the nights when the baby sleeps great, why in the world can I not sleep for longer than 30 minutes?  I mean seriously?  I am really that used to having Justin here that I can’t sleep when I’m so completely exhausted?  Apparently so. 

If I can’t/shouldn’t complain about my life, then why on earth am I crying to Dr. Moreland, who I really like and who just sits and talks to me while I’m freezing in the poor excuse for a “gown” that I was in?  Who knows…

I held my head down and walked to the truck and tried to evaluate why I was so emotional today. I didn’t think I was.  I didn’t start out that way.  Apparently, I needed the cry, at least that’s what I was telling myself as the tears continued to flow from my bloodshot eyes on the way home. 

I told myself that I needed the cry.  It was okay.  I’ll give myself this day to reflect, to allow myself to feel, to remember that I am still a girl, a girl with emotions, even though I try desperately to hide them a lot.  So, I’ll give myself this day, this night and tomorrow? 

Well, tomorrow I’ll get up and get the kids off to school and then I’ll be right back at the computer typing away for work.  All will be normal, all will be good!