Blogging Therapy

I’m feeling a little broken today…okay, a whole lot broken today.  No, I’m not feeling sorry for myself and no, I’m not looking for your sympathy.  I’m writing this for myself…a little blogging therapy, if you will. So, if you don’t want to read on, then don’t.

 

I have an issue that I am a writer.  I’ve always loved writing papers in school (sick, I know).  I love the comfort that comes from being able to pace myself and think things out in my brain.  The problem comes when the issue is emotional.  I HATE confrontations. I hate putting anyone in that position where they might feel they are being attacked.  I hate thinking that my words could hurt someone.  I take one look at the person I’m trying to confront and my girly emotions come to the front and I can’t talk.  I don’t say anything I mean or anything I want to say.  Usually, I just keep it in and do anything I can to not hurt someone else. 

Keeping things in has issues all its own.  They add.  They fester.  They remember.  They hurt.  Oh, they hurt.  Eventually, they become too big to keep them inside and something will let them flow.  I’m not a quickly emotional person.  I don’t tell you how I see it and then later apologize if I’ve offended.  I’m the other type.  I keep it all in until I can’t.  In that case, sometimes the issues get blurred and the situation that triggers the flow is really more of a smaller issue of a bigger problem.  Irritating?  I’ve recently been told it is. 

I recently had a situation that hurt my feelings and it involved more than just one person.  The situation was stupid, but my feelings are not.  I chose to confront in the best way I could, and that was to write to them.  I addressed everyone at the same time.  I didn’t place blame on any person.  NO one person was called to blame and I felt I did a good job attacking the situation without attacking a single person by calling them out.  I really hoped that those I addressed would know me well enough to know that my feelings really weren’t hurt over the one “so, so stupid'” incident, but more of a feeling of things that have accumulated.  I could NOT have been more wrong. 

I’m not sure exactly what I expected to happen, but I certainly didn’t expect to feel so attacked.  In hindsight, I DID start it.  I honestly did not attack a single person.  I attacked the situation.  I thought my feelings and thoughts were important enough to warrant that.  Was I wrong?  With those we love, don’t we want to know when we’ve done something to offend?  I do.  I still do. 

I’m not blameless.  Not at all.  I am so FAR from perfect.  I know that.  I’ve never claimed perfection or even anything remotely close to it.  I’m just a girl who is trying to do the best she can.  I make mistakes.  I make lots of mistakes.  I’m sure I’ve hurt people along the way.  I can’t even put into words how that makes me feel.  Hurting someone I love is painful to me.   

I spent a great deal of time with my eyes full of tears and my heart full of pain.  And I haven’t felt so alone in a very long time.  Sleep was hard to come by last night.  I kept wondering if I just should have kept my stupid mouth (or in this case, my fingers) shut and not said anything.  According to the way the day played out, yes, I probably should have, but I didn’t.  And in return, I opened myself up.  I can’t blame anyone other than myself here.  I opened myself up for comments.  I opened myself up for thoughts.  Apparently, that also meant I opened myself up for hurt…a lot of hurt. 

My heart is full.  My pain is immense.  My devastation is all encompassing, but luckily, this too shall pass.  I’m broken.  I’m at the bottom.  Do I regret sharing my feelings?  No, but I MOST certainly regret that it was misinterpreted and caused pain.